einfühlung

sometimes i wonder how we ever feel sad, when i think about all the reasons there are to be happy

there are just so many

today is hard. all alone. no one knows it.

I never thought I’d say this but eating as much ice cream as I used to eat isn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. Plus there’s the whole part about having to get up from under the covers to brush my teeth after my internal temperature has dropped due to these copious amounts of ice cream. Remind me again, why do I want to grow up so badly?

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that finds joy in being left entirely alone…

can’t say no

my head is spinning

THE IRONY OF THIS DATE IS JUST, WOW.

(Note to self to stop thinking about things in terms of their relation to my past relationship.)

But seriously… January 2nd marked the end to a precisely 3 year, 7 month relationship. One month from today, we could have been celebrating 4 years together. But if he never came clean, what would that have meant? From where I stand today, I know those four years would have meant nothing. Four years. 36 months. 1,461 days. 126,200,000 seconds. Though it took him some time, I thank my lucky stars that he finally told me the truth.

Because with him or without him… I’m a b.a.d.a.s.s. bitch. This semester was the hardest semester - I ended up with a 3.75, and I currently have a 3.7 GPA overall. I must not have been a complete nutcase during it either, because none of my friends have disowned me, and some of my relationships have even grown stronger. I told my mom that I got a B in Biochemistry; we fist bumped and split a donut. I’ve secured a job for the summer - invaluable and rare experience working for a non-profit eye clinic. I will change people lives every single Tuesday. I could seriously die and go to heaven…

BUT THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO (my personal statement and applications to optometry school, for starters). Seriously, I can’t stop and don’t want to. Those seconds I could have lost? Too precious to let slip by.

My life is mine. My life is once, my life is short. My life is jumping from a plane.

happiness followed by sadness when the ice cream man’s tune blows in on the wind through the screen door, realizing at 21 you’re too old.

in this moment i feel that i know myself more than i ever have before

Dear SELF,

You’re going to be a real person from a while… and then you’re going to travel and explore however you want to. You’re going to document these things.

You may never marry. You could decide it’s not for you. You might adopt.

Being a real person for a while is important. It will ground you. It would allow you to adopt.

But exploring is just as important. Your life will be vivid. Sharing your story, all of it, will make it matter. You might inspire your children. You might inspire someone. You will leave soft footprints in the sand.

Life is worth all of this.

Love,
Me at 21

i

am not

your

girl