Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that finds joy in being left entirely alone…>
can’t say no
my head is spinning>
THE IRONY OF THIS DATE IS JUST, WOW.
(Note to self to stop thinking about things in terms of their relation to my past relationship.)
But seriously… January 2nd marked the end to a precisely 3 year, 7 month relationship. One month from today, we could have been celebrating 4 years together. But if he never came clean, what would that have meant? From where I stand today, I know those four years would have meant nothing. Four years. 36 months. 1,461 days. 126,200,000 seconds. Though it took him some time, I thank my lucky stars that he finally told me the truth.
with him or without him… I’m a b.a.d.a.s.s. bitch. This semester was the hardest semester - I ended up with a 3.75, and I currently have a 3.7 GPA overall. I must not have been a complete nutcase during it either, because none of my friends have disowned me, and some of my relationships have even grown stronger. I told my mom that I got a B in Biochemistry; we fist bumped and split a donut. I’ve secured a job for the summer - invaluable and rare experience working for a non-profit eye clinic. I will change people lives every single Tuesday. I could seriously die and go to heaven…
BUT THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO DO (my personal statement and applications to optometry school, for starters). Seriously, I can’t stop and don’t want to. Those seconds I could have lost? Too precious to let slip by.
My life is mine. My life is once, my life is short. My life is jumping from a plane.>
happiness followed by sadness when the ice cream man’s tune blows in on the wind through the screen door, realizing at 21 you’re too old.>
in this moment i feel that i know myself more than i ever have before>
You’re going to be a real person from a while… and then you’re going to travel and explore however you want to. You’re going to document these things.
You may never marry. You could decide it’s not for you. You might adopt.
Being a real person for a while is important. It will ground you. It would allow you to adopt.
But exploring is just as important. Your life will be vivid. Sharing your story, all of it, will make it matter. You might inspire your children. You might inspire someone. You will leave soft footprints in the sand.
Life is worth all of this.
Me at 21
i thought that all this change i’ve been feeling was a bad thing at first but now i think maybe more change would be better.>
baseball on TV, mug filled with chai, apartment to myself. a dog by my side and this night would be perfect.>
Every night when I lie in bed, I remind myself that one day I want to be okay again, and that every moment I’m awake I should be focusing my attention on this goal. But what if I really am okay already, and by tricking myself that I’m not, I’m worsening my own condition?
It’s been two months. My life is short… this is done.